Because finding a partner is such an extremely important part of most of our lives, and because it is sometimes surprisingly hard to do so, this subject has become incredibly hyper, obsessed about, discussed almost to the point of mysticism. If you’ve been playing the field single for a while – against your own inclination – you may start to think that you need some special mojo or tricks or whatever, to land a suitable partner. That’s a trap.
Falling for this mind frame makes us, subtly but firmly, focused too much and what WE do – did I say that right? Did I exude the correct amount of confidence? Did I giggle too stupidly or perhaps I didn’t giggle too much?! Well, we firmly believe that in the end, we are all simply humans and that this whole thing boils down to just communication. And that is the main angle you will find in this article. However, people make a lot of mistakes in communication – and we are very happy to give you some very useful tips that we’re sure will improve your life in all aspects!
Here’s what it breaks down to:
- Basic appearance
- Overcoming shyness
- Take interest!
- How to tell if you’ll be good together?
This subject has received far too much importance in the past. Has it ever happened to you that at first you thought somebody not so good looking, but once you got to know them better, you started viewing them as actually quite attractive? That’s how it works with humans. It’s definitely a big plus if you look like Tom Cruise. But you can still expect to live happily ever after with the girl of your dreams without having to undergo a series of questionable plastic surgeries first, or having to buy a whole new wardrobe for every new season.
There are some basic rules however. And while we said we shouldn’t focus too much on what we do, this is a fundamental thing that allows the girl to lay eyes on us without wanting to close them immediately. It’s pretty straightforward:
- You must, at all times, be clean. A shower a day should do the job. Trimmed, clean nails, clean hair, polished glasses, clean shoes, new shirt every day, bla bla bla, you know the drill. The most common trouble-shooting area worth mentioning: If taking off your shoes scares you and you think more “hazmat suit” than “comfy and cozy”, put some baking soda in your shoes in the morning. It kills any smells very effectively (some people even use it as a deodorant). If you think the issue goes beyond a simple sweaty feet situation, consider a visit to the pharmacy for an antifungal cream. They work well and fast.
- Unless you’ve tackled this, find what style of clothing and which colors suit you. It can change you very much. This is as much for your confidence as it is for the girl. You can either sort this out for yourself, or get help – either from a professional stylist (check first if you really like his or her style though), or from a friend who dresses well. Forget imitating somebody’s style – what looks great on one person can look like a joke on another, so find something that you like yourself in and stick to it. Keep beloved but perhaps-too-well-worn clothes for the home. Recognize that iron is a friend!
- Don’t overdo the cologne. You can even skip it altogether. Firstly, there’s a well-loved theory that both sexes choose their mates partly by smell – and Axe does not appear anywhere on the primal appreciation scale. Secondly – what woman doesn’t love the smell of freshly laundered clothes?
If you want to try something new, you can even go totally fragrance free – it’s kind of startling and refreshing to meet somebody who doesn’t smell like anything. You don’t notice it really, but it does create interest. To give it a go, you’d need to get yourself a perfume-free deodorant, shampoo, shower gel and washing powder, but you might be surprised with the result.
Overcoming Possible Shyness
Even if this is not an issue with you, here’s a really good tip for anybody wanting to start a good conversation.
Before you approach the person, take a look and think about what you really like about them as people. (Other than boobs.) And find something that you have in common with them. You will then find talking to them much easier!
If you generally have a confidence problem that you know will get in the way of the communication, try doing this little exercise with you. Look at yourself in the mirror and find a few things that are really very nice about you. Find a few things that you are very proud of – your achievements, abilities, character traits etc. – and recognize them. And ignore all the many bad things that this exercise automatically triggers. Just concentrate on the great things about you. Repeat as much as you like – but do this at home. When you’re about to talk to somebody, your focus is all on them. Try not to focus on yourself at all. And to hell with trying to think about body language. Seriously, who ever successfully conducted a pleasant, informative conversation while trying to remember to keep their arms unfolded, palms up, and trying to get their pupils to dilate?!
This is, hands down, the sexiest, most appealing thing you can do, if you do so with confidence and integrity. In other words, respect yourself, stay true to your values, but be genuinely interested in the girl and act upon it within the limits of your own plans and the boundaries of what is comfortable for her.
By taking interest we mean – really listen to what she says. Observe what’s going on with her, is she having a great day? Is she having a crap day and wouldn’t mind a bit of a cheer up (appropriate to the level of familiarity between you)?
When it comes to girls, we’re really very, very flexible on too much interest and attention. Unless you turn yourself into a creepy stalker, you’re fine. So if you see your girl clearly having a bad hair day and you pick up the papers that she dropped, or you just give her a smile, or simply drop by with a mug of coffee from the canteen that she didn’t ask for but you know she likes and hasn’t had time to get – you’re being a good guy, not a servile creep. The yardstick could be – would you like somebody to do the very same thing for you? If yes, no worries.
There is a popular stereotype that “girls don’t like good guys” – and this goes directly against it. This notion may be a fun thing to revolve a movie plot around. It also makes for an excellent joke point. But in real life, there aren’t many sane, non-sociopathic females who’d genuinely prefer a jerk over a confident, helpful, fun man who takes interest. There are three points that fuel this myth:
1) Some guys aren’t really taking an interest, they’re using this as a strategy to “land a bird”, or to try really hard to ingratiate themselves, both showing off with peacock efficiency how much they take interest without really doing so. The overall impression is creepy and awkward. True, sincere, well-intended interest is very attractive. In any situation.
2) Friendzone does exist, mostly when you’ve known each other since kindergarten and she just never had a chance to think of you any other way than a sandpit pal. In that situation, different tactics apply (you can find good tips for instance here.) Other than that, you can’t go wrong with being a good guy that takes a genuine interest in her.
3) Girls have a harder time falling for insecure guys – who often happen to be good guys, too. But the controversial point here is the insecurity, not his attentiveness. And strangely enough, attentiveness is something that helps overcome the insecurity obstacle.
Somehow, when it’s really important to us, we are often so focused on whether we’re good looking enough, whether we’re telling the right jokes, are we cool enough, in other words we’re sometimes so concerned with being looked at that we forget to do some serious looking ourselves. Do you feel better in the company of somebody who sparkles the whole time and you applaud (yes, it is nice), or do you feel better in the company of somebody who is truly interested in you, asks you questions, tells you things because they’re interested in your opinion, sees your little clues and acts on them?
In this day and age, it isn’t so probable that you’ll have the chance to save your fair maiden from marauding bandits (hopefully). But you’ll have ample opportunity to prove yourself to be her knight in shining armor. Pay attention to what she says or what is happening and ask her how this or that issue is going that she mentioned two days ago. Show initiative and help her when you see she’s stressed and pulled in six different directions. When you see her being talked to by three different people and struggling with her handbag, coffee and accepting something she’s being handed, reach out and hold the coffee for her – without saying anything else. Open that door for her and to hell with fears of feminism – being a decisive, helpful partner in no way suggests she’s incapable of doing things on her own. As long as you don’t add something like “don’t you worry your little head over these things”, you’ll be in the clear!
But keep balance, too. We’re not saying to make it all about her – just that you show her you see her, not only that you want her to look at you. The desired result is, that you start seeing each other.
Are You Going to be Good Together?
Having interacted for a while, you can now judge with some certainty whether you’d actually
work well as a couple. An excellent yardstick for that is – are you running at the same speed? In other words, are you the type that likes to mull things over before you open your mouth? Do you prefer long deliberation before taking action? Or are you fast to talk and fast to act? Are you more of an optimist, or does everything seem dark and gloomy? Is it easy to cheer you up? Your ideal partner would be at the same speed and general disposition as you are, otherwise, sooner or later, you’re going to start getting on each other’s nerves.
We sincerely wish you good luck, and all the happiness in your proverbial hunt. And because not taking things too seriously is always a very good strategy for success, here’s a few ideas you are NOT, NOT, to use, other than to have fun with. Enjoy and live happily ever after!
Image source: 123rf.com, Image ID : 45686094, Валерий Качаев